Cloudy in Beijing Blogging about my time in China

I’m crazy

I remember about a month or so back I had a dream in Chinese. All I can recall is that I was mad at someone and I was cussing them out in Mandarin. "???" the Chinese word for bastard was prevalent throughout this delusion of mine.

But I suppose this dream was a good sign of how much my Chinese has been improving. Reading the local newspapers now actual feels like I'm reading a newspaper, whereas before it felt like trying to decipher a block of coded ambigrams.

Now I can't help but think my thoughts in Chinese. So it feels good to have some mastery over this language I've been trying to learn since I was young.

Still, a few Chinese friends have been posing a strange question to me:
"Why do you learn Chinese?"

At least one of the answers seems obvious. "So that I can communicate with you," I've answered back.

But when I really think about it, I'm not totally sure what my motivations are.

Another Chinese friend of mind framed it another way: "Why do you spend so much time learning Chinese. Your Chinese is already good enough."

"I don't know," I said to a friend of mine. "It just feels like it's something I should do."

"What?!" my friend replied. "You're crazy."

To her, it seemed there was no logic behind my answer.

I asked her what did she think of other Chinese-Americans, who know little or nothing of their Chinese heritage.

"That's very typical," she said. "They are American. So they have their own culture now."

"What about me then?" I asked. "I'm a Chinese-American."

"Unless you plan on staying in China for the long-term future, you're just wasting your time," she half-jokingly said.

"But what about learning about my own culture and trying to be Chinese," I said.

"Well, it's not like if I learn English, I'll suddenly become American," she added. "That's ridiculous."

I later told her a more concrete reason for me to learn Chinese was for my career. But she had made her point, somewhat painfully clear. If I decide China isn't for me, and head back to America, my Chinese language skills will no doubt degrade. All that work undone.

My Chinese teacher thinks what's driving me is that I like challenges.

Maybe. I've struggled to learn Chinese all my life, so perhaps I feel like I don't want to give up. But lately, I've been lagging in my Chinese studies, perhaps bored by reading the textbook and trying not to forget vocab words. ?????? or "What truly lies in a woman's heart is like finding a needle in the sea," is just an example.

When I was young, there was this notion growing up that one wouldn't truly be Chinese unless they learned Mandarin. That's rubbish, and I'd live perfectly fine using only English.

But I would still feel that something was a miss if I didn't try more to learn the language of my homeland. There is no logic to it, just some feeling I can't totally explain.

Whatever the result, I know this pursuit has taken me to Xi'an. I've learned so much, all the while enjoying my time here. It's been worth it.